Why we tend to insist in the wrong direction?

It happens to everyone sooner or later. There comes a time in life when we realize that we have to change, we have to take another direction, because what we're doing just doesn’t work or leads to a dead end.

But becoming conscious of the need to change is just the first step. Usually, after, comes a phase in which we get blocked, we feel trapped in the decisions of the past and realize w ego back to bad habits.

Without realizing it, we begin to insist in the wrong direction and, of course, don’t move forward, but we begin to recede. However, the effort we make is so much that we finish exhausted and unmotivated, without realizing what happened. The answer is very simple: we are victims of what could be called the "syndrome of the erroneous insistence".

Insisting in the wrong direction

Imagine it's summer. You are sitting quietly on the couch at home and start to feel hot and stuffy. To refresh you open the window a little. Then you open another window in front to create a little current.

When you get back on the couch you feel much better, but after a few minutes you start thinking that if you opened a little more the windows you’d feel even less heat. You get up and do it. And continues like this until windows are fully opened.

Finally you sit quiet on the couch, ready to relax and enjoy the pleasant air flow, but after a few seconds you realize that the heat is back. Why?

The answer is simple: according to the laws of physics, it comes a point when the more you open the windows and much more slowly the air circulates.

Often in our lives we put in practice this kind of behavior. In fact, we insist in the wrong direction when:

- We cling to past behaviors that were effective at the time, but now aren’t not anymore and lost sense.

- We insist in criticizing, thinking that if we do it often the other person will change, when in fact we only get him/her on the defensive.

- We persist about a dream or an idea we think is brilliant, without taking into account the information the real world sends to tell us that we are moving in the wrong direction.

- We remain tied to a couple relationship, that no longer works and has become a source of conflict and dissatisfaction.

In all these cases, at the beginning certain behaviors, beliefs or ideas were perfectly valid and effective. However, at some point in the journey of life the conditions have changed and we didn’t realize it, so we keep on repeating old behaviors or apply beliefs that have become maladaptive. Obviously, at this point the results we get are not what we expected, instead of going forward we feel stranded or even move backwards.

Then we get into a vicious circle, because we start to insist in the wrong direction, wasting strength and energy. Therfore, instead of reflecting on our fundamental beliefs, we think that the problem is that we don’t make all we can, then we redouble our efforts in the wrong direction.

Of course, living within this cycle, swimming constantly against the current, can be devastating, because we end up believing not to be enough capable, when in reality the problem is that we need to change direction.

How to get out of this vicious circle?

If lately you feel trapped in a situation that is consuming your strength and energy without getting the expected results, perhaps the problem is that you are insisting in the wrong direction. Ask yourself these questions:

- Life is constantly changing, are you changed enough? A Chinese proverb says “you can not control the wind, but you can control the sails of your boat”. Life changes constantly, but sometimes we are not able to adapt quickly enough to these changes. But repeating continuously the past behaviors, only because once worked, it’s no guarantee of success, but of failure.

- Look around you, what signals is the world sending to you? Often we insist following a path because we are focused too much on ourselves and ignore the signs the world sends to show us that we are going in the wrong direction. Therefore, make a stop along the way, establish an emotional distance and try to decipher the meaning of all these obstacles, problems and conflicts that arise and block you. Maybe they are only there to tell you that it is better you take another direction. In fact, if your life plan doesn’t work doesn’t mean that you should change goal, but project.

- What are you afraid of? Sometimes we insist in the wrong direction because the other possibilities frighten us. In fact, it is a common mistake in relationships. We remain tied to a person because we think we won’t find another one anymore, and we are afraid to remain alone. Obviously, this is not a good reason to condition our lives. Make sure your decisions express your dreams and hopes, not your fears.

Source:
Goienetxea, I. & Lladó, E. (2014) La estupidez de las organizaciones: 7 metáforas para el camino. Barcelona: Rigden.http://www.psychology-spot.com/2016/11/to-err-is-human.html

Why we tend to insist in the wrong direction?

For receiving, first learn to let go

An ancient legend tells that a famous scientist went to visit a Zen master. On arrival, he introduced himself by enumerating all the titles that achieved and what he had learned during the years of study.

Then he asked the master to teach him the secrets of his philosophy. In response, the master simply invited him to sit down and offered him a cup of tea.

Apparently distracted, without showing any sign of concern, the master began to pour the tea into the cup of the scientist and continued even when the cup was full.

Puzzled by this behavior, the scientist warned the master that the cup was full and the tea was falling on the table.

The master replied calmly:

- Exactly. You already came with the full cup, how could you learn something?

In front of the incredulous expression of the scientist, the master remarked:

- Unless you empty your cup you will not learn anything.

As for the scientist, often we cling to some beliefs, habits, persons or ways of thinking that keep us from growing. But if we want to seize new opportunities, if we want to receive the gifts that the world still has to offer us, we must first learn to let go what we have. We can not grab new things, if our hands are already full.

Letting go is part of life

Life is always changing and moving forward means that we have to leave some things behind, if we don’t do it and continue to hold them those things will end turning into an unnecessary burden that will prevent us from continuing to reach our goal.

For example, people who move to live in a new country, but continue to feel nostalgia for what they have left, will continue to repeat the old habits and will not accept the new, ending up unhappy. Similarly, those who start a new relationship without having forgotten the previous one will condemn the new relationship to failure.

Of course, not all things of the past are negative, some memories may give us strength in difficult times and it is worth to keep them, but there are emotional ties that we must delete, to prepare for a new phase of life. In fact, letting go does not mean always giving up or forget, but simply to feel grateful for what we have experienced and turn the page consciously choosing to keep the good experiences and leaving behind us the emotions that do not bring us anything and keep us stuck and make us feel bad.

The interesting thing is that in most cases you must not burn the bridges behind us, because letting go does not always mean definitely to cut with a person or with our past, but make peace with ourselves. It means reformulating our ideas and, above all, our emotions, letting go the nostalgia, fear, resentment, or excessive attachment.

In other cases, letting go acquires a physical connotation. In fact, without realizing it we cling to many things that give us a false sense of security. Therefore, a good exercise to learn how to let go, is to get rid of all those things that we do not really need and occupy a place in our home just to make us not feel alone.

The magic of empty our cup from time to time

Our society encourages us to consume, this means accumulating many things and even relationships. But from time to time you need to empty your cup. When we do it consciously we experience a miracle because breaking those bonds that held us we can really take advantage of the new opportunities that arise. When we decide to leave behind the things that limit us, we are giving ourselves the opportunity to expand our “self” to unimaginable universes.

Think that if you remain tied to a malicious couple's relationship, you can never know a person that really enriches you and allows you to grow. If you remain tied to your habits, you can not discover new ways of doing things. If you remain clung to stereotypes, you will not enjoy the wonders that hides diversity. If remain clung to hatred and resentment, you will never love completely.

Do not forget that life is constantly changing and only when you have your hands free you will grasp the new opportunities that will arise.

Some of the things we have to learn to let go are:

- The need to control everything, especially people who surround us. Be yourself and let be.

- The need to be always right, because that way you will not learn anything new.

- The need to cling to the past, because that way you can not move a light step towards the future.

- Malicious feelings such as anger, hatred and resentment, because they keep you from loving and enjoy fully the present.

Remember that happiness is always a personal decision, and that life is full of incredible opportunities, but we must be ready to seize them.


source;http://psychology-spot.blogspot.co.id/2016/07/giving-and-receiving.html

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For receiving, first learn to let go

There are no bad decisions, only bad interpretations

"A widow who was working with some young maids used to wake them up every day before the crowing of the rooster to go to work.

The Young women, tired of the routine and the heavy work, decided to kill the rooster so the widow did not wake them up so early, in fact, they thought that waking up so early was the cause of all their problems.

However, after their cowardly action, they realized that had only aggravated their condition because from that moment on, the widow began to wake them up when she heard the baker starting to work, well before the rooster crow”.

This story gives us an important lesson: the cause of our problems is not always the first that crosses our mind, it is better to think carefully and not act rashly because we could aggravate problems rather than solve them.

Cognitive biases that prevent us from finding the real cause of problems

If we could easily find the real cause of our problems it would be much easier to resolve them and we wouldn’t be so stressed. In fact, when we ask ourselves the right questions, we are already half way to finding the solution. The problem is that we don’t function with the same logic of a machine and often we are victims of cognitive biases that limit our vision.

- The selective perception. We do not see the world as it is but as we are. This means that our dreams, hopes and expectations influence the meaning we attribute to situations. As a result, we ignore a part of the reality, and we focus on what we consider to be more comfortable. The problem is that in this way we can not form ourselves a complete picture of the situation and can not have an objective vision that will bring us closer to the solution.

- The confirmation bias. It is a tendency to favor information that confirms our hypotheses and ideas, it doesn’t matter if the information is true. Considering only what confirms our convictions is not generating a cognitive dissonance, so we are not forced to reconsider our position. Thus, sometimes we see only what we want to see.

- Denial of the probability. For us it is more difficult to make decisions when we have no certainties. Therefore, we tend to reject completely any chance when this creates even more uncertainty, although it could be a good choice. In practice, we prefer to take decisions whose consequences we can predict, rather than choosing an uncertain path or the unknown.

- The responsibility of the external bias. It is the tendency to evade our responsibility and blame the others, so we reduce the stress that can be generated by some decisions. This prejudice also refers to our tendency to let others decide for us, not to have to bear the consequences of our actions. So, we don’t explore what we really want or what would be the best solution, but we let ourselves be carried away by the decisions and policies of others.

How to find out the cause of the problems?

The human mind is very complex, often our emotions, beliefs and expectations play tricks, and keep us from seeing the real cause of the problem, which often lies within us. In fact, some problems would cease to be so burdensome if only we were able to change our view of the situation, or we could see clearly the cause.

1. Take your time. We’ve been told that time puts everything in place, in fact, is a powerful ally that helps us to see things in perspective. So, facing a problem, it is best not to hurry letting emotions be attenuated. That way we can discern more clearly what is the cause and the most appropriate solution. Moreover, during this time the unconscious continues to operate and can also reveal some very interesting things about ourselves, even through dreams. In fact, this is why, when we have a problem, we suffer more often from nightmares, many of which are the key messages of the unconscious.

2. Be aware of your emotions. There’s no need to get rid of emotions and illusions when analyzing a problem or making decisions. In fact, these can be very useful and positive tilting the balance toward what makes us feel better. But it is important to be aware of their influence, to understand the extent to which they affect our judgment.

3. Find out what you're afraid of. Behind every problem that afflicts us is hiding almost always a fear. When something prevents us from sleeping is because generates fear, and fear is a bad counselor when is time to seek the causes or make decisions. In fact, when fear is very big we could also refuse to recognize it, so that the cause of the problem will remain in the shadows, hidden from our consciousness. It is a defense mechanism through which we are protected, but that ultimately causes more harm than good. Therefore, to find the causes of a problem, we often have to embark on a journey to discover ourselves. It is noteworthy that at the very moment in which we become aware of that fear we begin to free ourselves of its influence.

4. Simplify. Albert Einstein said: “Any idiot can complicate things; it takes a genius to simplify them”. When we have a problem we tend to complicate things even more, we have an exceptional talent to dramatize. However, to find the solution and the cause of the problem we should simplify as much as possible. In fact, we should turn us into a kind of a gardener who goes by separating gradually all the branches that prevent him from seeing the trunk. In this process, it is important to be aware that most of the problems have no a single cause, thay are always affected by various factors. The key to solving them is to focus on the root cause.

5. Open yourself to possibilities. The problems tend to obscure the ideas, making us believe that there is only one possible way. However, if we open ourselves to opportunities we discover that there are different roads, some can even help us get out of our comfort zone and grow as a person. Therefore, in front of a problem, it is important to assess all the causes and possible solutions, although initially may seem far-fetched. A good strategy is to put ourselves into the shoes of others for few minutes and wonder what they would think or do, so it will be easier to open our minds.

source;http://psychology-spot.blogspot.co.id/2016/08/bad-decisions-interpretations.html

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There are no bad decisions, only bad interpretations

Not all bad comes to harm you

On many occasions we cried without being fully aware that life was doing us a favor. There are situations that at a given time put our backs to the wall, generating deep sadness or anger and in some cases even making us question the meaning of life. However, later, considering them in perspective, we realized that these situations strengthened us, gave us a lesson, turning us into better people, or at least into more sensitive people.

In this regard, Albert Einstein used to say that if there was something he was grateful of in life was to have met all those people who told him “no”. Sigmund Freud said he was a lucky man because in life nothing it was easy. All the great personalities of history share one characteristic: they refuse to be puppets in the hands of fate, they are aware that the problems and setbacks are opportunities for growth.

In fact, Thomas A. Edison said: “I have not failed, I just found 999 ways not to make a light bulb”. For genes, every mistake, every negative event or “failure” becomes a kind of fuel that powers their perseverance. This does not mean that they do not suffer when things do not go as they would like, but decide to turn that pain into an encouragement to move forward.

The great figures of history, as well as many anonymous people who have cultivated resilience, are aware that not all bad comes to harm and know that, even if at first they fail to understand the meaning or the lesson that contains the situation it will allow them to grow.

Sometimes we only need to change perspective

We tend to think that any loss, setback or disappointment is something negative that hurt us. This is because we focus on the negative side and are not able to analyze the situation from a wider perspective.

In this regard, when we find ourselves in such a situation we might think of the metaphor of the carpet. That is, each carpet has two sides, if we just look at the bottom side, the one in contact with the floor, we will see only a messy tangle of wires, we can not find the meaning or see the design. The problem depends only on the fact that we are looking at the wrong point of view, a perspective that can lead us to draw wrong conclusions that would feed a useless suffering. But if we can understand that we can turn the carppet and observe it from the upper side, we would not only discover its design, but is also likely we will be amazed by its beauty.

Our mind works in much the same way. In fact, we have a kind of fixation on the search for the meaning of things. When we fail to “fit” a situation in the history of our lives, it's as if this would remain suspended, blocked, becoming a broken record that plays endlessly.

In this regard, a study conducted at Harvard University found how painful events are recorded in the brain. These psychologists made that some people who suffered a trauma could listen to the description of the incident. Meanwhile their brain was subjected to MRI. So it was seen that when people were reliving the painful experiences, some parts of the brain such as the amygdala, the nucleus of fear, and the visual cortex, were activated, but at the same time the Broca's area, which is the responsible for the language, was disactivated.

This means that when people experience a trauma, they relive it as if were a real situation, at least until they can not give it a meaning, and integrate it into their life experiences. To do it, it is often enough to change the perspective, look at it from another angle, if possible a more constructive one.

The useful suffering

The fact that some situations can help us to grow, become a better and stronger person, does not mean that they do not hurt and cause suffering. But it is important to distinguish between useful and useless suffering.

Unnecessary suffering is the one that keeps us stuck, makes us prisoners and does not allow to flow with the natural course of life. This suffering don’t have a healing power, on the contrary, it feeds sadness, hatred and resentment.

Instead, the useful suffering is the one that regenerates us, allowing us to get rid of anger, sadness and indignation. The useful suffering is like a river that flows naturally and that, eventually, leads to a life lesson.

The useful suffering allows us to embark on the challenging path and arrive at our destination strengthened. This kind of suffering breaks us into a thousand pieces to return to gather us back together, giving us a more sensitive version and at the same time strengthening ourselves.

An example of this comes from a study conducted by a group of researchers at the University of California, who showed that we can take advantage of adversity to grow and make drastic changes in our lives. These psychologists examined 209 women with breast cancer diagnosis and found that 60% of them believed that the changes they experienced in the course of the disease were positive and learned to see life from a positive perspective and enjoy more of this.

Of course nobody wants to get sick, suffer a loss or experience a failure, but it is up to us to take advantage of the situation to learn and grow or, on the contrary, sink into a sea of ​​complaints that do not lead anywhere.

After suffering come san opportunity

In most cases it is difficult to see the growth opportunities in difficulties. Therefore you need to stay alert and preserve the idea that not all bad comes to harm you. There bad things that are “necessary”, that contain life lessons and it would be a shame not to take advantage of them.

Therefore, remember that sometimes life is not saying to you “no”, but only “wait”, sometimes the best opportunities present themselves disguised as problems, sometimes the difficulty is an opportunity to change the path. So, the next time you make a mistake, you suffer a loss or have a setback, ask what you can learn from the situation. It is a change of perspective that will be surely worth it.


Sources:
Rauch, S. L. et. Al. (1996) A symptom provocation study of posttraumatic stress disorder using positron emission tomography and script-driven imagery. Arch Gen Psychiatry; 53(5): 380-387.
http://psychology-spot.blogspot.co.id/2016/09/not-all-bad-comes-to-harm-you.html
Greer, S. et. Al. (1990) Psychological response to breast cancer and 15 year outcome. Lancet; 49-50.

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Not all bad comes to harm you

Simplicity transforms ordinary persons into exceptional beings

We have big dreams and ambitious projects, but that does not mean we can not embrace simplicity. But in a world where the value of people seem to depend from what they have, rather than what they are, where we often care more about appearances than to essence, it is easy to fall into the trap of pride, vanity and presumption.

However, there is no better adorn for our soul than humility. In fact, simplicity is the language of the heart, is a form of direct expression which does not need artifices and allows to connect to the others from our essence, making us 100% authentic.

The risks behind pride and arrogance

Once a frog wondered how it could get away from the cold winter. Some geese suggested it could emigrate with them, but the problem was that the frog could not fly.

- Let me work on it - said the frog -. I have an extraordinary brain.

Later asked two geese to help her pick up a cane, each would have grabbed one end. The frog thought to grab the rod with her mouth.

When winter was coming, the geese and the frog began their journey. But they had not yet flown long when they found themselves flying over a small town where people went out to see the unusual show.

Someone asked: “Who is it that had such a brilliant idea?”

The frog felt so proud that exclaimed:

- It’s me!

At the precise moment when opened its mouth fell away from the cane and hit the ground.

Like the frog in the history, pride can lead us to make bad decisions, without thinking of the consequences. In fact, pride convinces us to be right while the others are always wrong. It leads us to believe that only our ideas are logical and rational, so that we do not accept new ways of seeing things and finish blocked.

Pride and arrogance mean that we lock ourselves in what we have learned becoming our jailers. This is confirmed by a study conducted at Cornell University. These psychologists presented to 100 volunteers a list of technical terms and found that those who were believed to be experts, not only weren’t able to recognize the fictitious terms that researchers had invented to confuse them, but even claimed to know all about it. On the contrary, those who adopted a more humble attitude and don’t claimed to be experts showed skepticism about these terms and recognize not to know them.

This study shows that sometimes our ego blinds and prevents us to seize growth opportunities and to learn something new. It proves that if we don’t raise our eyes we’ll continue to believe we have reached the highest level.

7 benefits of humility and simplicity that will transform us into better people

1. They allow us to have a greater mental flexibility. If we adopt a humble attitude we will become eternal apprentices. This means that we will always be willing to listen to new ideas and change ours. In this way we will be able to grow, because we won’t be tied to our ideas or ways of doing things, but we will be open to change. Indeed, to the extent that we cultivate modesty, it also makes it easier to learn from mistakes and understand that these are necessary to grow and evolve.

2. They free us emotionally. Pretending to know everything can be exhausting. So embracing humility and simplicity is often liberating. When we recognize our mistakes and limitations we are not showing our weakness but rather the opposite, we show self-confidence, that we know ourself well and we are not afraid to recognize when we have failed or that we need help. Humility rises, pride reduces.

3. They help us appreciate the little details. Pride always wants more, it’s never satisfied. On the contrary, humility is content and find happiness in what it has. Simplicity allows us to focus on small details and discover its beauty, allows us to feel grateful for those things that adorn our lives and that we were not considering properly because we took them for granted. So embracing humility allows us to be happy here and now, helps us to feel grateful and satisfied with what we are and achieved.

4. They allow us to connect from our essence. Simplicity also means getting rid of the social masks that we normally use in interpersonal relationships. The magic is that when we get rid of the need to impress the others, we show ourselves for what we are, and this allows us to establish a deeper emotional connection with people around us. In this way, we are able to develop relationships more authentic, strong and lasting.

5. They let us find serenity. It is curious but, to the extent that we become humble, the need to discuss, impose our views or to be right abandons us. When we do not need that our ego prevails, we open ourselves to other points of view and find the serenity even when the beliefs and opinions of the others are opposite to ours. This new approach in interpersonal relationships will make us find a great serenity.

6. They help us to be more empathetic. Only when we let go pride and arrogance, when we stop to feed our ego, we are able to give up our point of view and put ourselves in others' shoes. Therefore, the path towards simplicity also helps us to be more understanding and empathetic. This means that we can understand a person, share his concerns and feelings, even if we do not agree with his way of thinking.

7. They make our life easier. When we finally realize that “having less means being richer” our world suddenly becomes a lot easier. We realize that many of the things we thought we need, are not really necessary to be happy. Then we can focus on what really matters, redirecting our efforts towards those things that make us happy and fill us, those things that really give meaning to our lives, rather than remove it.

Always remember the words of the Argentine writer Ernesto Sabato: “To be humble is needed greatness”.


Source:
Atir, S. et. Al. (2015) When Knowledge Knows No Bounds Self-Perceived Expertise Predicts Claims of Impossible Knowledge. Psychological Science; 26(8): 1295-1303.
http://psychology-spot.blogspot.co.id/2016/09/noble-simplicity-and-calm-grandeur.html

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Simplicity transforms ordinary persons into exceptional beings

What others think of you reflects what they are, not who you are

The Sioux had a very interesting proverb, “before judging a person walks a mile in his shoes”. They were referring to the fact that it is very easy to judge, understanding is a bit more difficult and having empathy is much more complicated. This can only be achieved if you lived similar experiences.

However, often we state that the others understand us, understand our decisions and share it, or at least support us. When they don’t do it, we feel bad, misunderstood and even rejected.

Of course, it is not our fault, we all need that in some situations somebody validate our emotions and decisions, it is perfectly understandable. But sobordinating our happiness to the acceptance of the others or take decisions based on the fear that others do not understand us is a big mistake.

Because, what others think of you, actually says a lot more of them than of your, it reflects who they are, not who you are.

When someone criticizes a person without being able to put himself in his shoes, without showing a shred of empathy and without trying to understand his point of view, he’s simply exposing his way of being. With his words could shout out to the world that he thinks you're a bad person, but with his attitude is just proving that he's an insecure person, with a rigid mindset and full of stereotypes.

We criticize what we don’t understand or don’t want to accept

The truth is that behind a destructive criticism almost always hides ignorance or denial. In fact, many people criticize because do not understand your decisions, they didn’t put themselves in your shoes, don’t know your story and don’t understand what prompted you to take this road. Many people criticize from a deep ignorance and, above all, by ignorance, from an arrogant posture that makes them think they own the absolute truth.

In other cases people criticize because they see reflected in you own certain characteristics or whishes who do not want to recognize. In this regard, the French writer Jules Renard said: “our criticism is to reproach the other of not having the qualities that we believe we have”. For example, a woman who is abused by her partner can criticize divorce, thus reiterating its position: repeats to herself that she must continue to endure this situation. And the curious side of it is that the harder is the criticism the stronger the denial at its base.

In practice, sometimes the destructive criticism is nothing more than a defense mechanism known as “projection”. In this case, the person casts on other such feelings, wishes or impulses that are too painful or that he’s not able to accept, so that perceives them as something alien and punishable.

How to survive criticism?

Nobody likes to be criticized, especially if the criticisms are transformed into real verbal attacks. Unfortunately, we can not always avoid these situations, we must learn to live with them avoiding to get excessively damaged.

How we can do it? Here are some uncommon but very effective strategies:

1. Put yourself in the place of those who criticize you. Empathy is a powerful antidote to anger. We can not get angry with someone when we understand how he feels. So the next time you criticize someone tries to put yourself in his place, even if that person is not able to put himself in your shoes. So you'll see that it is probably a short-sighted person who has not lived your own life experiences or who accumulates a lot of bitterness and resentment. Then you will notice that it is not worth worrying about his words.

2. Accept that is just an opinion. What others think of you is their reality, not yours. Those people judge you based on their own experiences, values ​​and criteria, not according to yours. If they were put in your shoes and traveled your path in life, they’d probably think very differently. Therefore assume that these criticisms are really just opinions, neither more nor less. You can consider them, to see if you can take advantage of it, or you can simply reject them.

3. Return the criticism gracefully. When it comes to a destructive criticism, the most convenient thing is usually pretending not to hear, because that person is usually not open to dialogue, if he were, instead of judging and attack would show a more respectful attitude. But there are cases where you need to put a limit to the situation. After all, when it comes to desperate times, you have to resort to extreme solutions. In such cases, answers without getting angry and with concise sentences that do not give rise to a reply. For example: “I don’t accept that your opinion about something you don’t know” or “I think you didn’t understand, and that you don’t want to, so I don’t accept that you criticize me”.

Do not criticize without thinking first

“In general, people judge more with their eyes than with their mind, as everyone can see, but few understand what they see” said Niccolo Machiavelli few centuries ago. We can make our own these words making sure that when we criticize the criticism contains the seeds of change and be constructive. Criticizing just for the sake of it simply means that our tongue is disconnected from the brain.

source;http://psychology-spot.blogspot.co.id/2016/08/what-others-think-of-me.html

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What others think of you reflects what they are, not who you are

An excess of optimism is harmful

In recent years it has spread widely the naive optimism that has little to do with positive psychology. In fact, the excessive optimism can be extremely harmful, even toxic. It is not the same thing having hope that developing an excessive optimism that prevents to accept reality.

Hope as well as optimism present the image of a positive future. However, while hope imply having faith that we will get positive results, the excessive optimism implies it for granted. This kind of optimism develops when we let our emotions manipulate the statistics, to the point that our desire for something to happen far exceeds the real possibility that such a thing really happen.

Excessive optimism, a disease that spreads quickly

We may think that the toxic optimism is a rare disorder, but it is not actually. In fact, it is the reason why many entrepreneurs fail. These people conceive an idea of ​​business and their enthusiasm is so great that they think of it as a brilliant idea with all the credentials to succeed. Led by the excessive optimism, they do not create a plan B for mergency and invest everything they have on this idea. Thus, when adversity comes, in front of mishaps and problems that always arise, sooner or later, by the way they don’t have a plan that covers their shoulders, they end up losing everything.

In fact, the problem is not that the idea is not brilliant, perhaps it is. The real problem is the excessive optimism, which leads them to take on too much risk, it doesn’t allow them to look at things objectively and prevents from developing a backup plan that takes into account the problems that might arise in reality.

Obviously, the excessive optimism is toxic, not only for economic activities, but also for our personal and professional lives. Compromising too fast in a relationship with a person we just met can cause us enormous emotional distress, for example.

In this regard it is particularly revealing of the Stockdale Paradox. James Stockdale was the US most famous prisoner of the Vietnam War. He remained imprisoned for eight years and was repeatedly tortured but survived.

While in captivity, Stockdale realized that the prisoners who were less likely to survive were the ones who fed an excess of optimism. These prisoners did not cease to repeat that by Christmas they should all come home. But after several years, seeing that nothing was changing, they were overwhelmed by depression.

On the contrary, prisoners who maintained hope, but at the same time were also more realistic and don’t tried to escape the situation, but accepted the horrors they were living with integrity, were the ones that survived.

The problem is that the naive optimism creates false expectations marked by hope and disappointment that, finally, ends up destroying the individual, under a physical and psychological point of view.

5 terrible consequences of excessive optimism

Optimism allows us maintain hope and fight for what we want, but the excessive optimism turns us careless and miserable.

1. Lie to yourself. Feeding excessive optimism, regardless of reality, is like lying to yourself, but the worst thing is that you are not fully aware that you’re doing that.

2. Develop selective attention. Being overly optimistic will lead us to focus only on the things that we want to see. The excess of optimism will also make us misinterpret the warning signs, making us believe that all is well, and make us ignore the small problems that will continue to grow becoming insurmountable obstacles.

3. Make the steps in the wrong direction. Excessive optimism prevents us from judging objectively the reality, therefore, we are not able to adapt our behavior to what is happening and we finish taking steps in the wrong direction, toward an unattainable goal.

4. Do not have a plan B. In life, especially when we undertake important projects, it is essential to pay attention to unexpected changes to correct the course, and if necessary, implement the plan B. The toxic optimism prevents us even just to take into consideration this possibility, as if we bet everything we have on a single number, without taking into account that there is also the possibility of losing.

5. Develop unreal expectations. We organize a large part of our lives based on what we hope to achieve, which means we feed unrealistic expectations, we live in our minds, moving far away from reality. It's like if we were repeating constantly to ourselves: “Why taking an umbrella if it won’t be raining?”

How to protect yourself from the excess of optimism without falling into pessimism?

When we think of optimism we always relate it to the metaphor of the glass. Being optimistic is equivalent to think that the glass is always half full, be pessimistic means thinking that is always half empty. Obviously, no one doubts the existence of the glass, the emphasis is always on the water level.

It 's also curious that in Western culture we tend to think that good things are always in greater quantity. However, it is also true that excess of joy can degenerate into sadness and emotional self-control can become a total lack of empathy. The extremes, even those classified as “positive”, can become a double edged sword.

In Taoism, since the events are not classified as good or bad, is promoted the balance between the extremes. In this philosophy it is believed that any extreme, negative or positive, doesn’t lead to happiness and, ultimately, it is harmful.

1. Figure out what really optimism is. Some people assume optimism as a denial. In fact, many of the personal growth gurus sell it as such. The mantra is: “You were wrong? Don’t worry, develop a positive thinking”. But, if we were wrong, we should look for the causes and learn from mistakes, not to repeat them again. The useful optimism is that which allows us to move forward, despite the negative things that happen to us, but being aware of these.

2. Practice the proactive optimism. Being optimistic is positive, dozens of studies have shown its benefits for our mental and physical health. However, wishing something without doing anything to obtain it will not make it happen. Therefore, it is important that optimism is accompanied by an action plan. If we want something, we must not stand still, we have to design a realistic plan to achieve it. Only then optimism will bear its fruits.

3. Sip a strategic negativity dose. Someone said, “plans the best and prepare for the worst”. Do not adopt a pessimistic attitude, but anticipates potential problems and find solutions, so as not to be obliged to give up on your dreams. The strategic negativism is to anticipate the problems and setbacks, as well as prevent them from becoming insurmountable obstacles.

source;http://psychology-spot.blogspot.co.id/2016/09/excessive-optimism-damages.html

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An excess of optimism is harmful

Who affirms himself escapes criticism

For many people criticize is like breathing, they can not imagine a life without criticism. But be criticized, becoming the target, is different because it causes a lot of suffering.

Inadequate criticism, made at an inappropriate time, can leave deep emotional wounds. In fact, if we look in our memory, it won’t be probably hard to remember the criticism that has hurt us so deeply in the past and that still has not healed.

Unfortunately, we can not stop others from criticize us, but we can choose how to respond to their criticism. We have the power to avoid criticism, but we can decide whether to let these words make us sick. And the key to doing so lies in an ancient text.

The self-affirmation: An empowering path

“Anyone who self-affirm himself escapes criticism”, says the Tao Te Ching, a Chinese classic text whose authorship is attributed to Lao Tze and is one of the foundations of Taoism. It is a very old but still valid advice.

The self-affirmation is almost a super power, but unfortunately is not taught to children. In fact, it is often stifled immediately, because when children are taught to seek the approval of others, when are taught to evaluate themselves according to judgments that others give of their qualities, it is like killing the self-affirmation.

The self-affirmation is the ability to express our opinions and assert ourselves in relation to others. At its base there is a profound self-confidence. Only when we are sure of who and what we are and we value objectively our capabilities, we are able to express our needs and ideas assertively, without harming others, and avoid at the same time that our rights are trampled or that we’re despise.

For self-affirm yourself it is necessary that you have clear answers for these three questions:

1. Who are you? It may seem trivial, but many people do not know themselves, they do not know who they really are. However, to assert yourself you need to know yourself, know your strengths and weaknesses, know what are your values, tastes and needs. Only a self-conscious person is able to assert himself.

2. Who you want to be? It is not enough to know yourself, you need to know what kind of person you want to become. What would you like to improve, what skills you are proud of and what is the path that could help you develop these skills? The answer to these questions will allow you to take control of your life.

3. What do you want? The objectives we set ourselves end up changing us, so it is important to know what we want to achieve and how. Setting realistic goals will help us to strengthen the confidence in ourselves, we will become more responsible and we will be immune to unhealthy criticism.

Why self-affirmation is the best antidote against criticism?

When you know exactly what your weak points and strong ones are, when you are sure of what you want and how to achieve it, the criticism of others won’t even touch you because they do not manage to make you feel inferior, incompetent or doubtful.

In fact, we must not forget that criticism hurts so much because it makes us doubt in ourselves, it activates the feeling that we are not up to it, that we are inadequate or incompetent. Criticism that makes us suffer is just like the nail on the head, the criticism that we hear to is that, in a sense, which confirms our worst fears about ourselves.

We can think of the criticism as a tuning fork. Can harm us only that which resonate at the same frequency of our inner "self", the one that plays on our fears and insecurities. Therefore, the self-affirmation is the best antidote to unhealthy criticism, the confidence in ourselves allows us to take an emotional distance from harmful words. So we can evaluate objectively whether the criticism is constructive and brings us something that allows us to grow or, on the contrary, are only words that are intended to hurt us. In both cases, the decision is in our hands.

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Who affirms himself escapes criticism